Kynlegir kvistir

the coming of the Czar

I am not who I am anymore. I am what everybody thinks I am. I think I lost myself a long time ago and when I can´t even find myself I guess I can´t really grudge people for doing the same. I don´t even think there is one person out of everybody that is supposedly “close” to me that has the slightest clue as to who I am. They think they do, and that is why I am just that. An illusion of whomever elses imagination.
I have lost my desire to be alive.
I have no illusions of a better life just waiting around the corner. Today is a shitty day and tommorow will be the same. I have become numb to reality and my emotions have been hidden for no one else to see.
I wasn´t always like this. I used to be this happy little fuck with a constant smile on my face. Just oblivious to the world I was growing into. I had dreams back then, aspirations and a constant drive to be the best. Maybe thats where I failed. The only expectations I could never live up to were my own so I got hooked on other peoples expectations. I am an addict of appreciation of action.
It even worked for a while. But in the end, as with every addiction, the high wasn´t enough anymore. I need something stronger, something better. I need.

I was standing by the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive. It was running late and I was freezing. The old couple standing next to me didn´t seem to mind. The old man constantly running his little comb through his gray hair, all wet from the snow that kept pouring down. Times like these always made me wonder why I never bothered getting a damn drivers license.
When the bus finally did arrive I was soaked. I felt how wet all of my clothes were when i finally got to sit down. Since I´m such a warm hearted person I just couldn´t let an old lady that had gotten on the bus on the same stop as me be standing while I was taking the last empty seat. I even held her fucking grocery bags. I was now two rows behind the old couple. They cuddled up against one another. I guess this was one of those moments that is supposed to make me all warm and fuzzy inside, it didn´t. Instead I wondered if the old man could still get hard. Did his wife still turn him on after her breast got all soggy and her skin all wrinkly or did he just pay some poor college kid to come fuck her every two weeks so she´d quit nagging while giving him a blowjob. They probably just came from the pharmacists with their new batch of viagra. He was grinning like an idiot. Getting your dick sucked everyday can do that, especially from a girl with no teath.

to be continued...

posted by Chest Rockwell @ 02:36